


Onanism

by maximum_overboner



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: Dark Comedy, Fluff, Lighthearted, M/M, Other, Selfcest, a little one sided paperhat for the road, god has left us this day, heinous on literally every level, the unsexiest sex scene ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-26 00:50:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18272438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maximum_overboner/pseuds/maximum_overboner
Summary: There's nothing wrong with a little self-love.





	Onanism

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for proofreading, lads! <3

It was a beautiful day. The air was crisp and fresh, people walked and played in the sun, and Flug was locked in his science basement not having to care about any of it. He inhaled, sipping his coffee and examining the piping in front of him, flanked on all sides by blueprints, plans, and hasty drawings. He adjusted his goggles, lit his torch, welded a lap joint with mechanical precision and stepped back to cross his arms and admire his fine handiwork. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t appreciated, he told himself, he knew he was damn good at what he did. He reached for his coffee again, satisfied with his work. He couldn’t find it. He turned to look and found Black Hat drinking it, downing the cup and scrunching up his face.

“Milk and sugar,” he said, “are you an infant?”

Flug yelped and dropped his torch. Black Hat tossed the cup aside, ruining yet another sentimental item. “I’ve been meaning to speak to you.”

“Yes, sir,” Flug responded, standing up straight. “Is it about the deadline?”

“Yes. It’s today.”

Flug went wide-eyed.

“No,” Black Hat said, “it isn’t, I just like scaring you.”

“Oh,” Flug said, shaking, “you... You and your pranks, sir.”

“I know. I’m a rapscallion. But I’m not here to discuss that. It’s a... A personal matter. A matter of the heart.”

Flug looked at him. He raised a brow, so baffled he forgot his place. “What?”

“You heard me, Flug. I’m not in the business of repeating myself.”

Flug thought, sincerely thought, on what Black Hat had just said. “What?”

Black Hat grumbled, apparently in the business of explaining himself. “Look, we both know I’ve had a miserable few years, you’re not entirely stupid.”

“No,” Flug soothed, pacifying his ego, “no, sir, not at all. I wouldn’t say that.”

“Hush! If you’re going to be an insufferable sycophant, wait until I stop speaking!”

“Yes, boss. You’re very handsome, boss.”

“Correct! Let me continue! I was in my study, listening to my records. My work was all taken care of, a client had only just left, a little lighter in the pockets, and I didn’t have much to do. That’s when the malaise kicks in, you see. So I stood, looked out of my window for a long while, and it hit me. I’m lonely. I’m rich, I’m powerful, I’m attractive, I smell great and I’m lonely. I need someone to care for,” he said. “And someone who will care for me. Somebody to...”

Black Hat’s face twisted. He looked like a cat bringing up a hairball. With several pained choking noises, he finally got it out.

“... Love!”

Flug reeled.

“I don’t have anyone, really,” Black Hat said. “Not one person. Nobody to ask how my day has been, nobody to offer a cup of tea, nobody to rub my shoulder and tell me everything will be alright. I never have. And I think, for the first time in my life, I’m beginning to crave that. I’m getting older. My body may not age, but my soul does. I’m already retired. Is it so wrong to want to spend my time with a special someone? To share my golden years? I think you understand me. I think you ‘get it’. I think you understand what it’s like to be so desperately, alone. It’s natural to yearn for comfort. We’re solitary creatures, Flug, and I... Flug, I...”

Black Hat placed a hand on Flug’s shoulder, soft and tender.

“I want you to make me a clone so we can shag all day and laugh at how sad and lonely you are.”

“... Can’t you just masturbate like the rest of us?”

“No.”

“Black Hat, sir,” Flug said, “I don’t think I stress how bad an idea this is. You already have a clone, where did he go?”

“I don’t know, he might be dead, the point is he’s not here now and I want another.”

“Look, sir,” Flug explained, slowly. “I love—”

“Not interested. Way to make things awkward.”

“— Evil,” Flug sighed.

“Oh.”

“But isn’t... Isn’t this... May I be frank, sir?”

“No.”

“This is really, really weird. And it’s making me uncomfortable, and I don’t think you should do this. This isn’t evil, it’s... It’s just upsetting. It’s weird and upsetting!”

“You’ve been you long enough to acclimatize to those concepts. This isn’t a request, Dr Flug, it’s a command. Any explanation I give is a gift, remember that.”

“Yes, sir. But I really don’t think this will end w—”

“You’ve never thought a day in your life, now shut up and do your job.”

“Fine,” Flug said as if he were the arbiter of some moral lesson and not a scared, cowed little man. “I’ll make you your clone. Give me an hour.”

“An hour? My time is valuable, I want him now!”

Flug groaned internally. He fetched a pair of tweezers and a vial. “I’ll need a sample of your DNA.”

Black Hat slipped a glove off and presented his wrist. “Do what you must.”

Flug gripped the hand gently, ascertained the most tender spot and plucked a scale from Black Hat’s skin. Black Hat jolted, hissing. Flug retreated to his machines, threw the vial away because he didn’t really need it and in two simple clicks, committed a war crime. The front chamber slid open, black smoke billowing, and another Black Hat emerged, clutching his head. He groaned, looked around, spied the first Black Hat and threw his arms open. “Darling!”

“Love!”

The Black Hats threw themselves into an embrace. They sounded like lampreys sucking on an aquarium window. Flug did not know it was possible to make out so loudly. The Black Hats fondled and pawed at one another, making Flug more uncomfortable. One hooked his legs around the other before Flug finally intervened. “I’m very happy for you,” Flug said, curtly. “Can I get back to work?”

They broke the kiss, still holding one another. They looked at him in the same way, perfect mirrors. “Hm? Yes, sure. Don’t let me stop you.”

Flug sighed, relieved. “Thank you, sir.” He turned back to resume his work, assuming the two would vanish in a puff of smoke and make their way to a bedroom. He was pulled from his work again by a distinct slapping noise, and something that sounded like a buzzsaw. Flug looked back and saw something he, despite his extensive study, didn’t know how to make sense of. All he knew was that is was red, wet and painful looking. “Christ!” he exclaimed.

“Wow,” one panted, “I really know what I’m doing.”

Flug was at a loss. He could make out teeth. “Is this... Is this sex? Is this what you think sex is?”

“Flug,” said one of them, “do you mind? We’re being intimate and we would really appreciate some privacy.”

“This is my lab.”

“Yes,” said the other, “We don’t barge in on you when you bring a man home, do we?”

“Nothing to barge in on,” said the first Black Hat.

They laughed in unison. At the exact same time, with the exact same intonation, with the same little trail off at the end. They both noticed and laughed harder, again, in sync. Flug felt repulsed in a way he didn’t know possible.

“Ooh,” said one.

“What is it?” said the other.

“Why, I seem to be having a splendid orgasm!”

“Capital! As am I!”

“Care for another?”

“I do believe I shall. Tally ho!”

“Tally ho!”

Flug turned tail, hands in the air, and left them to whatever the hell this was. He took note of the hose on the wall.

 

* * *

 

Flug liked to think he was open-minded. Just because he didn’t understand something didn’t mean it was wrong, necessarily. Even if Flug’s opinion was worth more, it still wasn’t the be all end all. He didn’t like cucumbers because they tasted like crunchy water. He didn’t care for the colour purple. He tried getting into metal and couldn’t despite Dementia’s dozens of recommendations. He found making out with a perfect, genetically identical copy of yourself really, really weird. If it was just sex he would still be repulsed, but he would at least understand on some level, because who would know what you like better than you? It was a line of reasoning he could follow with a clear start, middle and end. ‘Orgasms good’ to ‘orgasms hard’ to ‘might as well fuck my clone’. It was sensible. It was the romance, the gooey pet names and feeding each other little bites of food, that was what really made his skin crawl. It just wasn’t right. It wasn’t natural. What could they possibly talk about? What could they possibly bond over, having lived the exact same life? The clone was imbued with Black Hat’s memories up until the point of replication, so any difference was imperceptible to Flug. He had no way of knowing who the ‘real’ one was, if there was such a thing.

Flug looked in a mirror, just to entertain the thought, and imagined kissing himself. The thought sent him running out of the room, because though he was very handsome and smart and great and very popular with all the handsome young men in town (Black Hat hid his thousands of letters of admiration, he told himself) it was still... Him. It would never not be him. And so Flug tried not to think about it, keeping his head down and working as normal, because if he did happen to voice his misgivings Black Hat was happy to tear that head up and off his body. He walked into the office, nine o’clock sharp, and found them canoodling on the chair, one sat on the lap of the other. Flug didn’t understand. He stood, watching for a moment, hoping he suddenly would. Black Hat, the one sat on the lap, had his arms draped over the other Black Hat’s shoulder, their faces pressed easily to each other. He gave him a little smooch on the lips, which escalated to a deeper kiss, then slid back to another gentle smooch, both of them giggling. They were worse than teens making out on the bus. Black Hat tenderly cupped the other Black Hat’s face. “Darling, treacle, sugar, you look exhausted. Let me do the show today.”

“Oh, hush,” Black Hat sighed, “you know I can’t.”

“You know you can, you look so tired! No, no, I shall do the show today and you shall go have a lovely nap. Truly, I insist, I can’t be anything but the best after all!”

“Oh, darling, if you insist! Shall we make love tonight?”

“I’m game to make it right now! Come here!”

Flug was going to vomit. He cleared his throat. The Black Hats stopped and sighed. “Pah,” one said, “the buzzkill is here. I best be off, anyway. Ta ta, treacle, I shall see you later.”

“Bye, pussums. Keep me in your thoughts.”

“You’re all I ever think about.”

Black Hat blew him a little kiss and left. Flug, if anything, understood it even less. He shook his head to clear the thought from his mind and walked forward, clipboard in hand. Black Hat sighed, his chin in his hand. “Have you ever been... In love, Flug? Has the world ever been that bit brighter? Honey, that bit sweeter? A hospital fire, just that touch funnier? It’s intoxicating. It’s magnificent. Am I the only person to truly get it?”

“... Did you just ask if you were the only person to ever be in love?”

“Yes. Well, you get ‘in love’, and you get in _love._ Why isn’t anyone talking about this?”

“People do, sir.”

“Since when?”

“Since all art began.”

“You can’t expect me to keep up with current affairs, Flug, I’m a busy man.”

Flug rolled his eyes, then rolled them again. “Now that I’m here, Lord Black Hat, if you look to the copy of the report I’ve provided—”

“Should I surprise him with a gift? Or a call? No, that’s too desperate. Should I? No! But maybe...”

Flug pursed his lips. He never thought it would happen, but he missed the tyrannical, mordant Black Hat. He would take a beating over this gooey mess of a man. The phone, the one Black Hat enchanted, skittered onto the table on its spider-like legs. It set itself down. The phone rang. Black Hat snatched it up. “It’s you! This is just the funniest thing, I was just about to call! No, I’m not busy.”

“Yes, sir,” Flug said, aware of the risk he was taking, “you are.”

“So what are you up to? Oh? That sounds interesting.” Black Hat coiled his finger around the telephone wire, twisting it one way, then the other. “I hate being away from you, as well. Those two minutes were awful. Can’t you come back? Yes, he’s still here. Hm. What do you want to do for dinner? I saw a bloated deer carcass by the road earlier, what about that— oh, no, I cut you off. No, you go first. No, you. Honestly, you! Right. Hmm? Hit by a truck, I think.” Black Hat broke into wheezing laughter, wiping a tear from his eye. “Oh! Oh, you’re such a wit!”

“Sir,” Flug whispered, holding his reports, “can this wait?”

“No! Fuck off, it can’t! I’m busy! Hello? Yes, I’m still here.”

Black Hat guffawed, a dumb, throaty laugh Flug hadn’t heard before. Flug rubbed his temples.

“You hang up! No, you do it! No, come on, you—”

Flug gently prised the phone from Black Hat’s hands and hung it up. The phone skittered off. Black Hat looked grim. “Thank you,” he said. “I could have been there for hours.”

“May I please,” Flug said, “please start.”

“Yes, yes, I’d hate to encourage your laziness. How’s the day looking?”

“Busy. The two o’clock moved to ten, the ten to three, and the three cancelled outright. I’ve drawn up notes for a new weapon, as well, on page seven. Nothing concrete, but should work. On page eight is our agenda for the month, I really think we should divert funds away from— are you paying attention?”

“Flug,” Black Hat sighed, his cheeks propped up on his hands, a soft haze in his eye and a dreamy, dopey smile plastered across his face. “I’m in such a wonderful mood. Take the day off. Go on, my treat.”

Flug looked up, dazzled. “Really?”

Black Hat snarled. “What have I told you about questioning me! Stupid bastard! You’re doing a double shift!”

“Oh...”

 

* * *

 

Breakfast was always a quick affair for Flug. Usually, he took dry toast but found that Black Hat’s good moods had allowed him some time to really eat. He made bacon and eggs. A portion for him, a portion for Dementia. He found if he fed her in the morning she was less likely to eat a passing animal in the street, the deworming process was traumatizing for both of them. She sat in a baggy T-shirt. Quiet. Staring. Black Hat, only one of them, sat at the head of the table in his dressing gown, reading the paper. The other approached, yawning, wearing a slightly different colour of dressing gown. “Morning, sweet.”

“Darling, I saved you the paper.”

“Wonderful! I see you’ve already done the crossword. In record time, as well, your intellect astounds me!”

They shared a brief kiss over breakfast. Flug couldn’t parse the expression Dementia was making and doubted she could either. They tempered their teenage frolicking to a slower, burning sort of passion, a more mature form of whatever awful love they had. Silent comfort and a squeeze of the hand. And Dementia just kept on staring, transfixed. Even when Flug set the plate in front of her, she stayed locked in the same position, bringing a fistful of scrambled egg to her face and chewing with her mouth open. Watching. Waiting for something neither of them could place. Next, the bacon. Watching. Waiting. She, over the course of three minutes, turned to face Flug.

“Flug,” she said, keeping her voice low. “I’m freaking the fuck out.”

“You too?” Flug replied.

“I’m freaking out, man. This is doing weird shit to my brain. This... Something about this doesn’t feel right.”

“I know.”

“I... Alright, how do I put this.” She motioned with her hands. “Two Black Hats. That’s hot. Two Black Hats having sex. That’s still hot. This is the part my brain can handle.”

“You don’t get to say that a lot, do you?”

Dementia gave him a light warning kick. “But Black Hat is in a committed romantic relationship with someone that isn’t me,” she said. “And I always thought I’d, y’know, maybe burn the house down, write my name on the walls in my own blood, kill whoever was getting in the way of our sublime and perfect love, eat a whole tub of ice cream, watch some sad movies, definitely kill you. Normal stuff, right?”

“What was that about killing m—”

“But,” she continued, “I can’t kill Black Hat. I mean that literally, even if I wanted to I couldn’t. Not that I ever would. But he’s in a relationship. With someone that isn’t me. But it’s another Black Hat, so I can’t do anything. But he’s in a relationship. D’you see where I’m coming from? Flug, what am I supposed to be feeling?”

“You’re asking me?”

“You did this! I thought you’d have something to offer.”

Flug shook his head. “I think it’s obscene,” he said. “Sure, I like spitting in the face of man and God, who doesn’t? But this is... I don’t have the words to describe it.”

“’Gross’?”

“Yeah.”

“’Narcissistic’?”

“Oh yeah.”

“’Super hot’.”

“No,” Flug scowled, flinching. “Dementia, this is wrong! Not even normal wrong, this is a whole other level of wrong I don’t want to touch! There are seven billion people out there, and he chose himself? That’s horrifying.”

“Don’t be mad ‘cause he didn’t pick you.”

“I’m not,” Flug replied, indignant. “Being creeped out by clone sex doesn’t mean I’m envious. Not at all. It just means I can think and reason, I’m sorry you don’t know what that’s like.”

She glowered at him and gave Flug a real kick, hard enough to make tears spring to his eyes. “I gotta know,” she said. “I can’t keep this in. I gotta know.”

“Know what?”

She yelled down the table. “How’s the sex?”

“Amazing,” they gushed in unison, bumping noses.

“Can I watch?”

“No,” they replied, just as sweetly. “Fuck off and die!”

“Damn,” she sighed, “they are a good match.”

 

* * *

 

Flug’s worst fears were realized. The Black Hats, though the same person, were fine to follow different whims day to day. Flug would obey the orders of one Black Hat, then the other would walk in and demand he start something else, then the other would return and demand to know what he was doing. Flug was run ragged and the little thread that anchored him to reason was fraying quickly. As it stood he was running down the hall, blueprints wedged under his arm, getting nothing done at blistering speed. He hadn’t slept in days. He heard a door creak open behind him and stopped running, bracing himself. Sure enough, it was a Black Hat. “Have you seen him?”

“What?”

“Black Hat, have you seen him!”

“No, sir, not today. Only you... I think.”

“He was supposed to be here an hour ago, dinner is stone cold. If you see him, can you tell him I’m looking for him?”

A wry little smile played at Flug’s lip. “Yes, sir.”

“Good,” Black Hat replied, looking uncharacteristically worried. “Good. Thank you. You don’t think...”

“Don’t think what?”

“... Nothing. I’ve kept you long enough. Get back to work.”

“Yes, sir.”

Flug resumed. He felt just a tad better.

 

* * *

 

“— Yes, yes, nag, nag, nag, God forbid I want to do something with my evening that doesn’t involve you!”

“What are you talking about? When was the last time we spent time together? You’re always working, or out, we haven’t had the chance to sit down in ages!”

“Yes, well, maybe there’s a reason for that.”

Black Hat gasped, his hand to his mouth. Flug had just bore witness to something deeply troubling, as had eighteen million strangers.

“Anyway,” Flug said, staring into Cambot. “We’re selling poison gas for the lowest price on the market.”

“It’s as toxic as his cold, dead heart! Yes,” Black Hat bawled, watching the other leave, “walk away, walk away like you always do! Walk away from your problems, walk away from me! I’ll still be here, after all! It’s not like you have to consider me in your plans, I’ll just play house-hat and keep you happy!”

“Black Hat,” Flug whispered, nudging him and looking at the camera. “Come on.”

“Fuck your item, I don’t want to hear about it!”

“Please, sir,” Flug begged, “hold it together. You’re embarrassing yourself. Come on, I’m sure this is just a temporary thing. He’ll come around.”

Black Hat stormed off, in tears. Flug decided to end the recording early to salvage what little dignity they had. Further recordings were cancelled until they ‘resolved their issues moving forward’, which Flug assumed was indefinite. He was reading when they broke into his room in the middle of the night. “Flug,” one blubbered, breaking the door like wet paper, “we’re a wreck, Flug!”

“He’s ruining our relationship,” the other one cried.

“We can’t go on like this!”

“I’m packing a case! I’m packing a suitcase and I’m leaving forever, I can’t live with this horrible, selfish man!”

“I’m horrible? I’m selfish? You don’t tell me anything, and I’m selfish?”

“Help us!”

Flug rubbed at his eyes, flicking the light on. It was difficult to hide his satisfaction. He invited them in, not that it did anything, and sat down himself. “First,” Flug said, slowly, “take a deep breath.”

They did, in, then out. In, then out again.

“That’s it,” Flug said. “Now let’s... Get everything out there. Is there anything you want to ask?”

They snarled and opened their mouths.

“No arguing,” Flug interjected, “no arguing. Questions.” He pointed to the one on the left. “You go first.”

“Why him,” whined the other.

“Because I pointed to him first.”

Black Hat, the one that was allowed to speak, looked smug. “Why don’t you look me in the eye when we make love?”

Black Hat looked at him. He looked away again. Flug held his head in his hands.

Black Hat continued. “Have you slept with someone else?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“A client,” he said. “We were talking about the fall of Rome and you know what that does to me. I’m not to blame.”

“When?”

Black Hat didn’t answer. The other thrashed the chair into the wall, with Flug still in it.

“Fucking when!”

“Tuesday.”

“You waited,” he creaked, “until I was out. On a business trip. Working for you. For us. Tuesday, hold on, fucking Laser LeRoux?”

“Yes.”

“Wh— no, that can’t— I slept with her as well! I went behind your back, she had both of us?”

Flug lay face down on the floor. He was uninjured, but he just didn’t want to get up and deal with this. The Black Hats stared at each other. Their breathing came in short, sharp huffs. Hell broke loose.

“You cheap whore!”

“Speak for yourself, you make me fucking sick!”

“Harlot! Adulterer, harlot! You damn well knew we were supposed to be monogamous, yet you’re flouncing off with the first outer-dimensional light-person you meet!”

Black Hat thundered forward, his voice a calamitous din. “You never said that!”

The other stormed forward to meet him. Their teeth clattered against one another as he shoved his face forward with the same intensity. “I thought it, which means you did as well!”

“Well, we all know you’re a cheap date, don’t we!”

“Please,” Flug begged, from his place on the floor. “Let’s settle down, this isn’t productive.”

The one on the left rolled Flug over, his teeth taking up most of his face. “Productive? Productive? He was ‘productive’ in someone that wasn’t me!”

“Ew.”

“This was a mistake,” the other one barked, “you’re a selfish, spoiled man, you only ever talk about yourself, you only ever think about yourself! What about my needs? I’m a strong, sensual man! I have needs! I want to be held! I want to sip whale’s tears by the beach, I want to live, dammit!”

“How can I,” Black Hat screeched, “when there’s so much of you to hate! You squint when you think and I loathe it!”

“You eat in bed and don’t even dust off the crumbs! What, do you expect me to sleep with half a rat’s skeleton digging into my back?”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to eat rats in bed if you could cook a decent bloody meal! I’m putting on weight and it’s your fault!”

“I’m a fine cook, and it’s not my fault you’re a greedy bitch! Pig! Flug, tell him!”

“Uh,” Flug stuttered, holding his hands up, “uh— I don’t— I don’t know if this is helping—”

“Oh, please,” the other snapped back, “I dread coming to bed, you snore, you sound like a lawnmower!”

“I do not,” the other one gasped, “I have the sweet huffs of a cherub! You’re the one that snores, you keep me up all bloody hours!”

“Insufferable, childish man; Flug, do you know he sucks this thumb in his sleep?”

“You swore you would never tell anyone about that,” Black Hat screamed at him, “you swore, we had a gentleman’s agreement!”

“My word doesn’t count for shit!”

“Neither does mine! I hate you! I hate you, I want you out!”

Flug couldn’t take any more. “Fucking stop!”

They looked at him, both visibly upset.

“If you want to call it off,” Flug said, “call it off! You can’t stay in a relationship where all you do is scream at each other!”

“It was so good,” Black Hat blubbered, “what happened? What happened to us?”

“It’s been a difficult two and a half days,” the other responded. “People change.”

“We’ve changed so much. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry as well.”

“It seems,” Black Hat said, with all the respect in the world, “we’re just too different.”

“I will never forget you,” the other murmured.

Black Hat drove his teeth into his double’s neck and pulled out a wad of flesh, the size of a tangerine. The other Black Hat burbled and yowled, forming a grotesque claw of bone and cartilage and driving it into the good eye of his assailant and out the back of his head. “Fucking hell,” Flug yelped, throwing himself back, “Christ, shit, what are you doing, oh my god!”

Flug was driven from the room by flailing strikes, until their bodies turned to maimed, rancid flesh, biting and chewing, spitting and screaming. Flug threw himself down, averting his eyes and wailing. The noises fell away. Black Hat walked out. He dusted off his suit. He looked fine. Flug crawled slowly along the ground, peering his head into the room and finding the walls pasted with fabric and gore, bits of viscera he couldn’t identify and shards of bone. Something mutilated and heavy fell from the ceiling with a wet thud. It ruined his bed. “Come along,” Black Hat said to a sobbing, shaking Flug. “Chop chop, we’ve got a lot of business to attend to. I’m only one man.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> nothing worse than a messy break up


End file.
